Thursday, April 8, 2010

I Haven't A Clue Why

With my second entry in just over a week, you would think I have suddenly reached my peak of knowledge and now feel poised - nay, entitled - to share this wealth of intellect. Alas, I am just in the mood to let a little more brain goo release, drip-dry and be gone. I am no writer, philosopher or thinker - but there are so many tools available on this 'internet thingy,' I may as well utilize them. Otherwise, I'd probably end up attempting to build suspense and intrigue at 140 characters or less, or posting some cryptic FB message imploring the requisite "What's wrong, is everything okay?" Puh-leez!! So...once again, brain valve - open!

Let me open with a tip of the cap to my friend Kristi who is a self-described "average-ordinary irreverent gypsy princess." She has a particular wit, steel-trap memory and an incredibly keen sense of imagery in her storytelling. She has been writing in her blog "Flibbertigibbet" for some time, and each time I enjoy one of her entries, I receive a little lift - be it joy, laughter, reflection, understanding. I suspect part of the reason I gravitate to her passages is because we have been friends a long time, and we have shared experiences and upbringing - so many of the things she fondly recalls are very similar to the memories of my life. Yet still, her sharp eye and interpretation give each nugget a life of their own. It is such a pleasure to check in occasionally to see if another snapshot has been posted. To that end, I have been inspired and feel like jotting down some thoughts and ideas and emotions as well. So, I guess the bottom line is - blame Kristi for these mindless ramblings. That gets me off the hook.

Another little thing about jotting down these random musings is...well...I often times wonder why it is necessary! Do I WANT people to see and read this? I guess so - otherwise, I'd get myself a finely bedazzled diary with a Jonas Brothers cover, giggle while I wrote and hide it in my unmentionables drawer. I suspect that blogging and such is the digital diary of our times, but what do most people care what I think anyway? As I look in the vault of this blog site, I have 4 other unfinished entries I have posted in the past 6 months. I think I may try to finish my thoughts on them - so hold your breath for the coming thoughts on Haiti relief, hockey in Arizona, the passing of my Mother (which my recent "Duke" entry touched on briefly), and...scary movies. I am often times fascinated by how my brain works. Maybe 'frightening' is a better description of how my brain works. a matter of an update - as per usual, I left this blog entry unfinished last week and had to return to try and pick up where I left off. Perhaps I have one of those 'short attention span' issues. Could be. Maybe. I'm sorry, what were we talking about again....

Okay, so - back to the rambling at hand.

I have decided another reason I rarely jot things down for public consumption is the glaring light of judgement. Everyone is a critic. And that is okay. But, I don't write to pay the bills or change the world, everything here is just 'something' to me. So, I coddle it a bit more and usually step back long enough to think, "Why are you writing this, dolt? And who really cares? And what would they say?" There are smarter people with better stories and stronger writing skills that should be handling this assignment. And trying to harken back to simpler times, it is likely I'd have to get my facts checked first. Anyone who knows me well knows my memory is suspect at best. I wouldn't be changing the names to protect the innocent...chances are I'd be changing the names because I can't remember them or thought that is what they actually were. So, I fear retribution from a 'source' who comes back with the standard - "um, that never happened like that, dolt." It seems I feel that I am a dolt.

I suspect, inevitably, to me everything has to be FOR something. Is it worth the effort? What is the end game? One reason I hate fitness walking is because I would prefer to use that effort to get somewhere or achieve something. Wandering about for the sake of fitness seems a little pointless to me - one of those "I'll never get that time back" kind of moments. Though the eventual presence of fitness I suspect would be the end result. STILL, my point is - why exert the effort if I can't place my chunky thumb on the pulse of something tangible as the result?

Now that this brain goo has been laid out there - what in the world is my point? I am unsure really. I get into situations where something occurs or some random idea pops into my brain and I feel like I have no educated opinion on the significance. Things happen in this world that I just don't get, but I have such a wide pool of people who could provide input - I mean very intelligent observations - that I'd prefer to provide some description, my own personal insight, wrap it with a bow and pitch it out to the masses for some point-counterpoint. Yes, things irk me, confound me, trouble me, excite me...but I am often curious what those of my ilk may believe. It is my hope to expand my horizons. And I can blame you for it.

So, you know - there's that.

At the end of the day I just feel like, at times, I have to let things out of my brain. It is a well-known fact there is little workable and functional room in there to begin with, and I seem to waste copious amounts of said space with the endless cycle of some thoughts that weigh on me. There are things I cannot process and I need an education or, at the very least, an outlet to put it all to bed and free up some brain bandwidth. Too many thoughts that just churn away endlessly. The responsibility of expected eventual balance of my sanity lies squarely in your hands, so how is that for pressure?

By the way - this is my fourth time coming to contribute to this single post, I have now read it over two dozen times. Why did I write this? I haven't a clue why...

1 comment:

KiKi said...

1. Thank you for the sweet things you said! It's long-standing friends like you who give me the inspiration and strength to put my memories down on paper.

2. Oh, I SOOOOOOOOOO know what I'm getting you for your birthday this year.

3. I loved what you have to say, and I love reading your thoughts when you do post them. Sometimes thoughts don't need to go anywhere -- that's the artistry and beauty of are so well-spoken and pretty dang funny to boot.

4. "Dolt" -- I LOVE that you used the word dolt.

xo - Kristi